I haven't posted much this month. Soon after my previous post, my mother entered the hospital. After a brief stay, she returned home, and all seemed on the mend. But a few days later, she passed away peacefully with family at her side. During the time I spent helping my father with arrangements and transition, I came to know even more about my mother that I did not realize.
In her final days, she felt at peace, that she had successfully lived her life and traveled her Road to Gumption. My mother expressed privately to my father that she had had a long life, was satisfied, and now it was time to go. And a few days later, she was gone. That was my mother. She would make up her mind about something, and then set out to do it. So somewhere up in the sky, she's reflecting on the satisfaction and happiness of the life she lived.
We'll miss you, Mom.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Whose Life is It, Anyway?
My 5-year-old is about to enter kindergarten (gasp). At an orientation session, a lot of other kids also starting kindergarten attended along with one or both of their parents. Though the majority of the kids appeared to be "just kids", it was interesting to see a few kids who were clearly the products of their parents. And I don't mean just genetically.
There was one little girl who was dressed rather inappropriately, with tight clothes and a tight, short pair of shorts with "Gap" emblazoned across her bottom. Now, I have nothing against The Gap, but somehow I don't think that 5-year-old pestered her mother into buying that outfit for her. I suspect it was more the mother thinking that her daughter should be wearing "the brand."
Another girl had on mini-replicas of a very expensive adult designer look, but something else caught my attention from across the room. Her mother appeared to be answering for the daughter, even if someone addressed the little girl directly. In some cases, when someone spoke directly to the girl, she looked at her mother as if expecting her to answer the question for her. I certainly couldn't hear what was being said, but the visual impression was striking.
To me this is foreign, since I regularly get chastised by my daughter for answering any question that she really wanted to answer first (even if she doesn't know the answer, but that's another story). While as parents we instinctively want to do things for our kids, we have to remember that they need to learn to travel the Road to Gumption on their own, too. We can "guide" our kids, but we shouldn't "steer" our kids, or else we risk living our dreams (or worse, our insecurities) through them. And it's their life that's developing in front of them, not ours.
Keep your eyes on the Road! ... to Gumption.
There was one little girl who was dressed rather inappropriately, with tight clothes and a tight, short pair of shorts with "Gap" emblazoned across her bottom. Now, I have nothing against The Gap, but somehow I don't think that 5-year-old pestered her mother into buying that outfit for her. I suspect it was more the mother thinking that her daughter should be wearing "the brand."
Another girl had on mini-replicas of a very expensive adult designer look, but something else caught my attention from across the room. Her mother appeared to be answering for the daughter, even if someone addressed the little girl directly. In some cases, when someone spoke directly to the girl, she looked at her mother as if expecting her to answer the question for her. I certainly couldn't hear what was being said, but the visual impression was striking.
To me this is foreign, since I regularly get chastised by my daughter for answering any question that she really wanted to answer first (even if she doesn't know the answer, but that's another story). While as parents we instinctively want to do things for our kids, we have to remember that they need to learn to travel the Road to Gumption on their own, too. We can "guide" our kids, but we shouldn't "steer" our kids, or else we risk living our dreams (or worse, our insecurities) through them. And it's their life that's developing in front of them, not ours.
Keep your eyes on the Road! ... to Gumption.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Balance and the True Meaning of Success
All too often, "success" appears to be defined by people in terms of net worth, or worse, possessions. This takes into account nothing related to family and relationships. My position is that the successful journey down The Road to Gumption involves reaching a person's desired work life balance, and being able to create valuable relationships with loved ones and family (LOAF, as I call it).
What I don't have much time for is listening to people boast about their success, when it's plain as day that the quality of their LOAF relationships are low. One example in our area is a mother who constantly chatters about the latest purchases she and her husband have made. There's not a thing that goes unmentioned, if they've bought it. This includes the myriad of private classes or lessons that their two very young children are completely overscheduled in.
In fact, it's so bad, that if you were to ask the mother the casual question "What's new?", her answer would be to name all of things that she's bought new since you last saw her. And she'll tell you all of the things they're considering buying in the near future as well. Whether or not you ask.
What this mother does not say much about is what her two young daughters have done, learned, communicated, shared, or given back to her in joy. That's because this woman's primary perspective is from the financial and material points of view. She doesn't say much about her daughters' desire to read, because reading with her daughters doesn't make the parents look more successful or affluent. But she will say what she's purchased for her daughters, especially if she can name the high-end stores that she bought those things from.
Her husband works long hours and apparently does bring in the cash. But he hardly spends any time with their girls during the week, and on weekends will often take off by himself because, according to his wife, "he's tired and needs to rest." This is also a guy who went on a non-essential trip by himself just four days after the birth of their second child. He seems to subscribe to the materialistic success metric as well, having said that his wife "is so great because she surprises me by buying something new every day."
Yet, this mother has been heard to say, "We're very successful, doing well, even saving for retirement though we don't need to yet." And "I have a successful marriage, and two kids." But the fact that her LOAF relationships appear to be weak is unimportant to her or her husband. What's important appears to be how much they can purchase, spend, acquire, and show.
This is definitely more of an extreme case, but it serves as a reminder to not get caught up in the possessions race. In the long run, most 2- to 5-year-olds don't really care what kind of car they're riding in, how big their house is, what label is on their clothes, how many lessons they're signed up for, or how many times they've shopped at high-end retailers. They just want to be able to spend time with mommy and daddy and know that they're safe and loved.
Keep your eyes on the Road! ... to Gumption.
What I don't have much time for is listening to people boast about their success, when it's plain as day that the quality of their LOAF relationships are low. One example in our area is a mother who constantly chatters about the latest purchases she and her husband have made. There's not a thing that goes unmentioned, if they've bought it. This includes the myriad of private classes or lessons that their two very young children are completely overscheduled in.
In fact, it's so bad, that if you were to ask the mother the casual question "What's new?", her answer would be to name all of things that she's bought new since you last saw her. And she'll tell you all of the things they're considering buying in the near future as well. Whether or not you ask.
What this mother does not say much about is what her two young daughters have done, learned, communicated, shared, or given back to her in joy. That's because this woman's primary perspective is from the financial and material points of view. She doesn't say much about her daughters' desire to read, because reading with her daughters doesn't make the parents look more successful or affluent. But she will say what she's purchased for her daughters, especially if she can name the high-end stores that she bought those things from.
Her husband works long hours and apparently does bring in the cash. But he hardly spends any time with their girls during the week, and on weekends will often take off by himself because, according to his wife, "he's tired and needs to rest." This is also a guy who went on a non-essential trip by himself just four days after the birth of their second child. He seems to subscribe to the materialistic success metric as well, having said that his wife "is so great because she surprises me by buying something new every day."
Yet, this mother has been heard to say, "We're very successful, doing well, even saving for retirement though we don't need to yet." And "I have a successful marriage, and two kids." But the fact that her LOAF relationships appear to be weak is unimportant to her or her husband. What's important appears to be how much they can purchase, spend, acquire, and show.
This is definitely more of an extreme case, but it serves as a reminder to not get caught up in the possessions race. In the long run, most 2- to 5-year-olds don't really care what kind of car they're riding in, how big their house is, what label is on their clothes, how many lessons they're signed up for, or how many times they've shopped at high-end retailers. They just want to be able to spend time with mommy and daddy and know that they're safe and loved.
Keep your eyes on the Road! ... to Gumption.
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