Silent Night

It's Christmas Eve, and I hope all of you are enjoying the holiday season while keeping it all in balance. This is the time of year when we tend to get swept up in too many things, and pulled in too many directions at once. Remember to decide what's the most important to you and your LOAF (loved ones and family). And I hope you've set aside some time for LOAF-ing over the next week!

Whether you're on the Road to Gumption, or just on the road to your holidays, Merry Christmas to all!

Coming Back to the Surface

I've been on hiatus from blogging due to personal and family priorities occupying the forefront. Part of being on the Road to Gumption is knowing when you can't do everything, and knowing what's most important. Ensuring that my father knows he is not alone, in the aftermath of my mother's passing, became a top priority of the past few weeks.

This is the first Thanksgiving I've experienced knowing that one of my parents is no longer with us. Actually, my wife experienced a similar feeling as well, since her father also passed away over the summer. I was reminded yet again of how important this issue of balancing one's priorities is. My mother lived a long life, and her sudden passing was, in retrospect, a blessing because she lived her normal lifestyle up until the very end. But it was completely unexpected.

And so, as it's often said, you never know. If you don't spend the time along the way, you might not get to spend the time at all. That's what I try to remind myself about, every so often.

Keep your eyes on the Road ... to Gumption.

The Road to Gumption in the Sky

I haven't posted much this month. Soon after my previous post, my mother entered the hospital. After a brief stay, she returned home, and all seemed on the mend. But a few days later, she passed away peacefully with family at her side. During the time I spent helping my father with arrangements and transition, I came to know even more about my mother that I did not realize.

In her final days, she felt at peace, that she had successfully lived her life and traveled her Road to Gumption. My mother expressed privately to my father that she had had a long life, was satisfied, and now it was time to go. And a few days later, she was gone. That was my mother. She would make up her mind about something, and then set out to do it. So somewhere up in the sky, she's reflecting on the satisfaction and happiness of the life she lived.

We'll miss you, Mom.

Whose Life is It, Anyway?

My 5-year-old is about to enter kindergarten (gasp). At an orientation session, a lot of other kids also starting kindergarten attended along with one or both of their parents. Though the majority of the kids appeared to be "just kids", it was interesting to see a few kids who were clearly the products of their parents. And I don't mean just genetically.

There was one little girl who was dressed rather inappropriately, with tight clothes and a tight, short pair of shorts with "Gap" emblazoned across her bottom. Now, I have nothing against The Gap, but somehow I don't think that 5-year-old pestered her mother into buying that outfit for her. I suspect it was more the mother thinking that her daughter should be wearing "the brand."

Another girl had on mini-replicas of a very expensive adult designer look, but something else caught my attention from across the room. Her mother appeared to be answering for the daughter, even if someone addressed the little girl directly. In some cases, when someone spoke directly to the girl, she looked at her mother as if expecting her to answer the question for her. I certainly couldn't hear what was being said, but the visual impression was striking.

To me this is foreign, since I regularly get chastised by my daughter for answering any question that she really wanted to answer first (even if she doesn't know the answer, but that's another story). While as parents we instinctively want to do things for our kids, we have to remember that they need to learn to travel the Road to Gumption on their own, too. We can "guide" our kids, but we shouldn't "steer" our kids, or else we risk living our dreams (or worse, our insecurities) through them. And it's their life that's developing in front of them, not ours.

Keep your eyes on the Road! ... to Gumption.

Balance and the True Meaning of Success

All too often, "success" appears to be defined by people in terms of net worth, or worse, possessions. This takes into account nothing related to family and relationships. My position is that the successful journey down The Road to Gumption involves reaching a person's desired work life balance, and being able to create valuable relationships with loved ones and family (LOAF, as I call it).

What I don't have much time for is listening to people boast about their success, when it's plain as day that the quality of their LOAF relationships are low. One example in our area is a mother who constantly chatters about the latest purchases she and her husband have made. There's not a thing that goes unmentioned, if they've bought it. This includes the myriad of private classes or lessons that their two very young children are completely overscheduled in.

In fact, it's so bad, that if you were to ask the mother the casual question "What's new?", her answer would be to name all of things that she's bought new since you last saw her. And she'll tell you all of the things they're considering buying in the near future as well. Whether or not you ask.

What this mother does not say much about is what her two young daughters have done, learned, communicated, shared, or given back to her in joy. That's because this woman's primary perspective is from the financial and material points of view. She doesn't say much about her daughters' desire to read, because reading with her daughters doesn't make the parents look more successful or affluent. But she will say what she's purchased for her daughters, especially if she can name the high-end stores that she bought those things from.

Her husband works long hours and apparently does bring in the cash. But he hardly spends any time with their girls during the week, and on weekends will often take off by himself because, according to his wife, "he's tired and needs to rest." This is also a guy who went on a non-essential trip by himself just four days after the birth of their second child. He seems to subscribe to the materialistic success metric as well, having said that his wife "is so great because she surprises me by buying something new every day."

Yet, this mother has been heard to say, "We're very successful, doing well, even saving for retirement though we don't need to yet." And "I have a successful marriage, and two kids." But the fact that her LOAF relationships appear to be weak is unimportant to her or her husband. What's important appears to be how much they can purchase, spend, acquire, and show.

This is definitely more of an extreme case, but it serves as a reminder to not get caught up in the possessions race. In the long run, most 2- to 5-year-olds don't really care what kind of car they're riding in, how big their house is, what label is on their clothes, how many lessons they're signed up for, or how many times they've shopped at high-end retailers. They just want to be able to spend time with mommy and daddy and know that they're safe and loved.

Keep your eyes on the Road! ... to Gumption.

Balance Really Takes Gumption

At a lunch I had with an associate recently, my point was once again validated that it does indeed require gumption to create work life balance. My friend was telling me about his girlfriend, who is a nurse in a very busy medical practice. She works a reasonably normal-length work week, but the issue is vacation time. Though she has lots of it, her bosses will not let her schedule the time off, saying that they can't have her out of the office that long. Yet other, "less critical" people seem to be able to have their vacation requests approved.

My associate said that his girlfriend's stress level runs high through the week, and on Fridays it actually takes a couple of hours for her to ratchet down. Then on Sunday afternoons, the stress level starts to climb again, in anticipation of a new work week. Even on the occasional days off that she's been able to schedule, she might still call in to the office once or twice. To my friend's suggestion of being more firm with her bosses about her desire to take several days off in a row, his girlfriend replies that she really needs her job.

This is not an unusual scenario, probably being replayed in thousands of offices as I write this. But what's the answer?

You have to have the gumption to make a statement for what you want. That doesn't mean that you become unreasonable or threaten to quit your job. You're simply saying that you would like more than just a long weekend when it comes to time off. If the office is set up where they say they can't do without you for more than a day or so, then there's something wrong. Make sure there are other people who can do your job or back you up while you're away.

In short, have the gumption to NOT be indispensable, and make a statement for the balance you want to achieve. Everyone needs time off to recharge their batteries, so if your management isn't allowing you that time, then you might have to rethink your long-term employment plans and seek something else.

Keep your eyes on the Road! ... to Gumption.

Watching 'Em Grow

Today I took my 5-year-old to the doctor for her annual check-up, the one she needs before she starts kindergarten in September. Fortunately for me, my work-life balance allows me to participate in these types of things. I was also pleasantly surprised to see a couple of other fathers in the waiting room, waiting with their kids, on a weekday morning.

Perhaps they, too, found their Road to Gumption and are able to spend the LOAF (loved ones and family) time that they desired. To them I would say, "Keep your eyes on the Road!"

Who's in Charge Here, Anyway?

Previously I wrote about today's technologies of "always on" and "always connected" not being the most conducive to work life balance. While those Blackberrys, Qs, and Treos are great to stay in touch anywhere you have a signal, they can be addictive. Worse yet, being responsive 24/7 can create an expectation, and if that person doesn't respond right away, the reaction is "what happened?"

I've known a number of people with very senior titles like vice president, senior vice president, senior director, etc. who are certainly very busy people because of what they do. But although they have titles that seem to indicate that they're in charge of their organizations, their actions don't always seem to follow. Last-minute crunches are one thing, but emails, text chats, and phone calls that take place routinely on weekends, nights, and even during family vacations indicate a very different issue: not being in charge of your destiny.

Who is in charge, anyway? You should be. Use that "off" switch when you need to.

Welcome to the Road to Gumption

Hello, and welcome to this new blog on the topic of balancing one's work and personal life priorities. I will be sharing my observations and thoughts on the topic through periodic posts, and welcome your comments and your experiences as well. Work-life balance is a very broad discussion, but the important thing is to have a discussion about it. That's what I wanted to foster when I wrote The Road to Gumption.

My starting observation is a seed for future thought and discussion. The very advances that make us more productive in the workplace today are potentially the things that create a misalignment of work and personal priorities. A recent survey showed that something like one-third of workers on vacation still use email for business purposes during that vacation. That would include BlackBerries, Treos, and hotel high-speed Internet connections.

So technologies that should allow us to get our work done in less time, in some cases cause us to work even longer hours, though not necessarily at the office. What are your thoughts on this? More from me later.